


Dear Connor Murphy

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: But instead of a manifestation of the lie Evan created, Connors the ghost, F/M, I don't have the heart to just dump it, I don't recommend reading this at all but, I love ghost aus?? Not reading them but writing them, I'm Serious, I'm Sorry, I'm a bad person and can't focus on anything right, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry but I've been trying to update this, I'm sorry to let you down, Ive lost interest in the plot, M/M, So yeah, and I'm orphaning this fic, and it feels wrong to glorify suicide in this way, anyways i hope you like it, but here's a concept: gayer, bye I guess, dear evan hansen - Freeform, from now on, ghost au, i can't get into consistently writing it, if I ever do a real story, im writing the whole thing out before publishing, in fact, it feels like 13 reasons why all over again tbh, its actual connor, more updates then I promise I'm a terrible person, obvious dear Evan Hansen tws like suicide and others, so im discontinuing, this is my first posted one tho, ugh I'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:51:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9792761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After the suicide of Connor Murphy, Evan creates a small lie which spirals out of control: and Connor is there to witness it all.





	1. What could he have done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did I start?? I never update anything. Also, the first few chapters are gonna be p short. They're the introduction to this shitshow.

Fear. Nothing but growing anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He thought it would bubble over already, maybe he would burst. Evan Hansen had lived with anxiety all his life. The boy is in his senior year of highschool. The stress from being a teenager, the stress from therapy, the stress from his anxiety.. All of it is purely overwhelming. All of it is too much. 

Evan starts towards the computer room through the crowded hallways, taking advantage of his free period. He always makes sure to clear a free period for himself before the ends of thursdays, as those are the dreaded days he has therapy. Even though therapy’s job is to relieve stress, Evan finds those days to be the worst. He has to show his therapists the letters he’s supposed to write himself on a daily basis, filled with optimistic sentiments to get by. And so he is headed to the computer lab because he stupidly forgot to print up his letters. 

When he reaches the room at the end of the hall, he peeks inside to make sure nobody is there. As soon as he tries to discreetly look through the window of the door and scan for people, another boy stares back at him through the doorway. Connor Murphy.

‘Wonderful. Just what I needed to finish the day.’ Connor always leaves a sour taste in Evan’s mouth. He is clearly just as lonely, and it doesn't seem like they have very many differences. Still, it doesn't stop Connor from being just as mean to Evan as he is. ‘Not like you’re much of a joy to talk to either. Look, the only real conversations you have are with yourself. Well, go on inside, you’ve been standing in the hall for long enough.’ He considered just walking away, but finally strolled into the room with his head down after weighing the options. 

Sparing a few strange looks from the other boy in the room, Evan prints up the letter without a problem. That is, until Connor snatches up the paper to read it.

“Ooh, what would this be?” Connor says mockingly, flailing the page in front of Evan’s face. “Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a great day. Today you-” 

“Give- I-” Evan desperately tried formed the words to tell Connor to stop. He could articulate everything perfectly in his mind, and yet as soon as it came time to use them.. nothing. 

“Give I what? Speak up I- is my sister’s name in this? Is.. oh. sweet.” Conner almost spat the last word. After looking Evan up and down a bit, Conner pulled a sharpie marker from his bag. Evan wasn't quite sure what to think and flinched at the loud sound of Conner very quickly unzipping his bag. It's like he's doing it on purpose. 

Conner smirked at Evan. “I see nobody signed your cast. Asked ‘em not to?” At Evan’s lack of a response, Connor reached for Evan’s arm and before the other boy could pull back, signed his name in huge block letters. Not like Evan could pull back if he even wanted to. “What a wreck.”

Evan tried to pull the page from Conner’s side of the desk into his own bag. Conner smacked Evan’s hand back in response. 

“Now we can pretend we both have a friend.” Conner says, walking quickly out the door and shutting it, leaving Evan to open it. As Evan begins to print another copy, Connor teasingly taps on the glass of the tiny window in the door, leaving him with a final middle finger before dashing off. 

“If I could have just..” Evan quieted his voice. Really, what could he have done? He felt pathetic. Was pathetic. The event was small, spanning maybe five minutes, but it still ruined the day. God, the therapy session to follow would be excruciating.


	2. Connor's Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Consistent upload schedule?? What's that??

Connor Murphy is nowhere to be found. Not in any of his classes, which was about normal. Not out back of the school fighting or trading his mother’s aspirin for pot, slightly less normal. And least normal of it all, breaking her perfect attendance, Connor’s sister is absent too. It isn't that Evan is worried about Connor, but it's still very strange. All it is is paranoia. Right?

Evan dashes towards his locker and pulls out his books for first period when a voice suddenly comes over the loudspeaker. 

“Evan Hansen, please report to the main office immediately.”

Upon hearing his name, he instantly reeled through his head what he could have done wrong. Fuck. He shuffled towards the office, not quite sure what to expect. The other students in his class were probably already theorizing what he'd done to be called by loudspeaker. Maybe the teacher gained an even lower impression of him than they did when first meeting Evan.

A doorstop held the office door open. Evan looked around quickly. He was sure that the staff was staring at him. Was it a look of pity? Anyone would feel pity for someone cursed to be so pathetic. But in the principal’s room off of the main office was four plush chairs propped in to face each other. Two chairs were filled in by a grief-stricken looking woman who was holding hands with an almost-as-equally emotionally devastated man. A third was filled by the principal, who got up to leave as soon as Evan walked in. He sat down in the fourth chair. 

“Evan, did you know Connor Murphy?” The man asks, cutting a long uncomfortable silence priar. 

“Um.. is- is this about…”

“Sweetie, don't be scared,” The woman interjected, laying a hand on Evan’s shoulder. She speaks in a soothing tone, it matched the faces the staff members all shared when looking at the boy when first walking into the office. What is going on? Some sort of intervention? “We’re Connor’s parents.” The mother said this tearfully, finding it hard to say the last word. By the way Connor acts, it's clear they aren't able to get very close to him as parent figures.

“Connor hasn't been in..” Evan mutters, bringing it up since it could possibly have to do with the topic of the conversation.

The father hands his wife a tissue seeing her crying, then pulling a piece of folded paper from her bag. After carefully unfolding the page, he hands it to Evan. “Connor has taken his… Connor has taken his own life a few days ago. I'm sorry, I know this is.. difficult to hear. You two must've been close, read the page.”

Evan looked at the header and immediately recognized it as one of his own letters. It was the letter Connor snatched up from him, but Connor’s parents must have thought the note was a suicide note addressed to Evan. 

“This isn't..” Evan trailed off, looking into the broken parents’ eyes. They truly believed that their son had a friend. They believed that Evan was that friend. They believed that Connor was a good person. ‘Now we can pretend we both have a friend.’ Evan remembers Connor saying. Is this what he meant? Connor was absent minded, there was no way. It was a coincidence. It was his fault somehow. Evan’s vision was blurring, probably with tears. Only then did he notice how fast he was breathing.

“This isn't from him to you? I'm.. I'm so sorry. We’ll just be le-” the mother starts.

“No no no I.. no. No this is definitely to me I.. we.. we were friends.” Evan immediately responds, instantly wanting to kick himself. ‘But they were his parents, they need this. And what about his sister?’ He reasons internally. “I'll call my mother if you want to talk, tell her she doesn't need to pick me up.”

“What in the hell...?” A new voice asks angrily behind him. He instantly recognizes it.

Connor.


	3. Does anybody see me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, school, artblock, creative block, and writing block have all fucking murdered me. I'm writing this from a coffin. Great wifi down here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, all this fandom writes is angst.

Evan has a feeling his decision to fake being friends with Connor would change his life. No, he knows. It was exactly obvious that the path he took was the wrong one.

He didn't need Connor to tell him himself.

Evan figures that whatever he was hearing, it was just that. Hearing. He’s hearing things. His anxiety, but set to a voice. Just his conscience. Since that day in the office, Evan tries everything he could to ignore Connor’s voice. It’s not Connor. It doesn’t make the situation any better, but it makes him slightly less guilty when he goes to the Murphy household and lies to the family some more about the relationship he had with their son. All throughout the visit, Evan just smiles sweetly at everyone. Trying to block out the yelling voice of Connor, which Evan was almost sure he can find undertones of pleading in.

"So you wrote... Emails to each other. But how is that possible, we checked his emails and found nothing." Connor's mother explains desperately. 

"Oh yes... Of course I should have mentioned that we have um... Secret email accounts?" Evan answers. 

Connor scowls at Evan. He turns pleadingly to his parents, then frowning at them too when they believe Evan's words. "Fucking... Don't listen to him!" Connor yells. He tries to push Evan down for what was the fifth time in the night. And again, as he expected, he falls right through the other boy. 

"So where would you even go to hang out?" Zoe asks. She doesn't buy a word of what Evan tries to convince the Murphys of. 

"We would go to my house since I'm usually the only one home." 

"I'm going to fucking kill you." Connor yells, sitting on the bottom stair of the entrance to the dining room. 

"Did he tell you everything? Like how we used to go skiing?" Mrs. Murphy interjects.

"Yes, he... he loved skiing." Evan stutters out. Why again did he decide that this was a good idea? Why I'm the hell did he-

"He hated skiing." Zoe states blankly, again completely unphased by the situation. 

"Yeah um... I meant that he loved to uh... talk about how much he hates skiing." Evan's sure he could hear Connor groan behind him. Shit.

"Can you even fucking hear me Hansen? I am going to kill you. What are you doing?" Connor keeps going on with the angry muttering, although it's much less audible after those words. He puts his head in his hands, fidgets with the thumb hole he cut in his sleeves, he tries to distract himself from the very clear shitshow taking place right in front of him.

Connor has about enough when he hears a story Evan tells about the two spending a day at an apple orchard, which was obviously fabricated. (It almost goes without saying.) 

"Yeah we... we spent the day at the apple... place." Evan says. How is he so bad at this?

"The orchard? He took you to the orchard? But it's been closed for years now." Mrs. Murphy says.

"We snuck in. We went grab ice cream at um... Al A Mode and then went to the orchard." The lies were coming easier now. From details Mrs. Murphy had given Evan without knowing, he could stitch together a story. The trouble is, he has only a few seconds at a time to think it through. "We found a spot in the shade and just talked. We talked about um... girls, and things we'd do after school was out, and our lives, we were really good friends. And then we climbed a tree. I got distracted and the branch under me gave out." Evan gestures at his cast, which has Connor's name written onto it in bold letters. Thank goodness for small miracles. "He drove me to the hospital. He signed my cast-"

"I saw him push you in school!" Zoe interjects. "He's a psychopath, I know you weren't friends."

"That was my fault. He... didn't really want to see me in school. He made that clear and I spoke to him anyways."

"But he pushed you."

"That was my fault!"

"Zoe, I think it's time to say goodbye to Evan. It's still a school night. I think you should be getting back to school, right?" Mr. Murphy says, seeing how clearly stressed out Evan is by the whole occasion. "Evan, I think you should get back home. Your mother must be waiting."

"She's taking night classes and then has to get back to work, so she doesn't actually know that I'm here." 

Connor looks up, and only now Evan notices how deep the bags under his eyes are. There are tears streaming down Connor's face. He is curled into a ball and his thumbs were tucked into his knuckles. He was rocking back and forth.

"Alright, well I think a good night's rest would do us all well regardless. Get yourself home safe, son." Mr. Murphy responds.

Connor flinches at the last word being used towards Evan. "Does no one see me? Look at me! I'm right here." He says through shaky breaths. 

Evan says his goodbyes as the Murphys retreat to their rooms. When he's sure no one is listening or watching, he steps a bit closer to Connor and Evan drops his fake expression that he used with the other boy's family. 

"I see you."

"Go to hell Evan." Connor says, giving a futile attempt to steady his breathing and sound somewhat threatening.

Evan stands to open the door and leave, surprised to see Connor shakily following him. Evan gives Connor a questioning look but decides to drop it. Connor manages to walk into Evan's house before falling to the floor of Evan's living room.


End file.
